So, where do we begin on this journey to the 'Travel Lifestyle'? As a solo explorer, the very first port of call is learning how to cope on your own. Loneliness can be a dark and desperate place, regardless of whether you're sitting in a damp basement flat with thick black curtains in the suburbs of Brighton, or sipping piña coladas on a beach in Maui, surrounded by crystal clear oceans and white sandy beaches (although the second scenario makes it a hell of a lot easier to manage!). Learning to cope on your own is a vital aspect of getting the most out of travel and allowing yourself to enjoy the experiences that you thrust yourself into. There have been many times in my life where I have been doing something amazing, something beautiful or serene or full of excitement, only for it to be ruined by myself and my inability to cope on my own. The loneliness creeps in and can darken even the brightest day. Over the years I have developed 10 rules that should you follow dear reader, will start you on your journey to inner peace and self-love, which ultimately leads to the ability to enjoy anything, anywhere, at any time. I appreciate this is a long post, but take the time to read it and give yourself the strongest possible foundation for all adventures moving forward! Plus, there is a couple extra bits at the end you don't want to miss! So let's get into it. 1. Be comfortable with how you walk.Now, hear me out on this one. I'm sure it's not just me but when I'm around people, friends, family and so on, I am at my most comfortable. Physically and mentally. However, if i am spending a day, or a trip, on my own, it is very easy to start feeling self conscious and insecure about something as silly as the way you are walking. This is simply a variation of the classic "walk with your shoulders back and your head held high" rule that we hear over and over again. The same applies to sitting, eating, or any other kind of useless worry that adds to the lack of comfort in simply being with oneself. This may seem like an odd thing to focus on, but it is most definitely a symptom of being uncomfortable in your own skin. Should you throw those shoulders back, lift that beautiful chin of yours up off the floor and shake off any feelings of insecurity, your day can go from miserable to magnificent in the blink of an eye. Give it a go, and let me know how you find it in the comments! 2. Gain or enhance your love for music - it's your best friend.When travelling alone, oftentimes your headphones are your best friend. You have only music as your companion and therefore it is important to allow that relationship to develop. Allow yourself to really feel the music that you're listening to. Cry when it's sad, laugh when it's happy. Allow music to bring you up and around and back down again on an adventure in and of itself, running parallel to the real-world experience you're engaging in at any particular moment. Some of us are more susceptible than others, right out of the box. However, this is a skill that can be learned, and any skill that can be learned can be mastered. Not only will music enhance every aspect of your travels, it allows you to come out of your head and into somewhere else that's not so cluttered. There is nothing better, in my opinion, than finishing a beautiful dinner in Budapest and walking along the River Danube at sunset, while the guitar solo from Comfortably Numb crashes around your ears. It can turn an empty street into a Brazilian carnival, a quiet suburb into an EDM festival and a 2 hour walk along a simple road into the most exciting part of a week-long trip to the Greek islands. Music really is a powerful thing, and should be seen as a tool that you can utilise as a solo traveller to get the most out of your trip. What are your top 5 travel tracks? Give me some recommendations in the comments! 3. Get out of your head and soak in your surroundings.It's so easy to be walking through let's say, the charming backstreets of Porto, only to come to the realisation that you haven't actually seen any of it. You have been too busy in your own head that you have allowed yourself to miss the very reason for being there in the first place! I think this applies to all of us in one sense or another. For example, you could be watching something on Netflix you've been meaning to watch for ages, and end up texting the whole time, and then skipping back the show to make sure you don't actually miss it, only to do it again 40 times on the trot. This is the same thing. When you notice this while travelling, walk back up the street, but the second time don't miss it. Take some deep breaths, get out of your head and really take in what's around you. After all, this is why we travel! Do you do this too? Of course you do, slap it down there in the comments. Yeah, right there, that's it! 4. Find a place that lets you be present, preferably by water.It is very important that you are able to find yourself a spot in which you can be at peace, and can be found in multiple places across the world. It's all well and good having your favourite coffee shop back home in the clean streets of Oxford, but that's not much good if you're having a panic attack in the heart of Bangkok! For me this is always by water. It could be a bench with views across Southampton harbour, or at the top of a cliff looking over the ocean for as far as the eye can see. For you it may be in a forest, surrounded by fauna, or even in a bustling cafe in the heart of the city. Whatever and wherever it may be, find it, and go to it whenever possible. Having a consistent Zen Zone will allow you to come out of your own head, relax and process things with a fresh mindset. All of which are key to coping on your own. I'm keen to hear where you find peace and what your Zen Zone is. Pop it in the comments. Namaste. 5. Be fearless, or fool yourself into it.Now this is something that a lot of you will experience when travelling on your own. You might tell yourself things like "But what if I go to the local bar and I don't make friends, I'll look like such a loner!" or "I couldn't possibly go to a huge pool party without someone, what if I'm sat in the corner sipping a Sex on the Beach and get kicked out for creeping out the other punters?". I can tell you friends, both of these are specific examples of my thoughts when travelling on my own in Budapest in the Spring of 2022. Regardless, I told myself: "What's the worst that can happen? I have a tasty cocktail with a nice view and go to bed? That doesn't sound so bad!". I went to that bar and bought myself a god-awful wheat beer that made me want to hurl, and I took a seat. It just so happened that I sat next to a trainee helicopter pilot with the Italian army who was also travelling alone, and we hit it off and started chatting (shout-out to Antonio!). Equally, I went to the Szechenyi Baths Rave (Sparty) on my own. Now this one, I was really anxious about. It was my last night in Budapest and I had just been to the Hungarian State Opera House, in my shorts, as I clearly hadn't got the message about wearing a suit to the opera. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself (I had just broken up with my girlfriend at the time) and I thought, "There is no way I can make friends there. I mean I'm good at socialising, but this is another level!". Oh dear reader how I was wrong. When getting off the metro at Szechenyi Furdo station and walking up the steps, I was hit with a thumping beat from off in the distance. Just over the road, I saw a huge castle, lit up and blasting out EDM music. Of course I thought: "That must be it!" and so I set off in the direction of the sound. Arriving at the queue to, for the second time that evening, a bunch of revellers dressed nicely enough to attend your annoying little cousins christening, who were looking oddly at me in my bright pink swimming shorts and flowery shirt, I quickly realised this was not in fact the pool party I was there to attend. It just so happened that a group of similarly dressed Irishmen in front of me realised the same thing, and we all laughed at how silly we looked. We got chatting, and decided to set off together in search of the fabled Sparty. From this point on, we were the best of friends. We entered together, got searched together (very intimate), got confused about the ridiculous cash-free setup they had going on together, and ultimately, had one of the best nights of partying I have had in a very long time, together. Now think back to the start of that story. I was anxious, I was apprehensive and I was nervous about going on my own. Very quickly, I was scooped up and taken on adventure that I will, in future, tell my grandkids, or even random people on the internet (yes, I'm talking about you). I was by no means fearless, but I tricked myself to be and paid the price in the form of an incredible experience. That is the trick my friend: Be fearless, or fool yourself into it, and you might just enjoy yourself. Huge shout-out to Jack, Ferghal and crew! We make so many friends while travelling, I'd love to hear about some of yours! Shout them out in the comments! 6. Be comfortable around friends, but not too comfortable.Once again, this is a hugely important point to address. It is of course mightily important to be comfortable around your friends, however we can often find ourselves stuck in a scenario that we find too comfortable to leave. You might be still living with your uni friends after graduating, working in a bar day in, day out. You also may have a comfortable career that you're working towards which locks you in, and the thought of leaving that AND your friends is just unbearable. As soon as you find this is the case, get up, get out, and get gone. It took me two years of dilly-dallying before I finally got out of my uni town of Southampton and started really progressing myself (granted, COVID stopped me doing it sooner, that pesky bug). It is so easy to get stuck with the same people, talking about the same shit and drinking at the same bars. It takes all of your willpower to get out of that. And I will tell you for a fact that once you're out, the freeness you feel is incomparable. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure your friends are lovely and I'm sure they'll do great things, but that's not your responsibility. You get one life, go out there and live it. If they're good enough friends, they'll always be there when you come back. Are you stuck and wish you were travelling? Hit me up in the comments and tell me what's holding you back! 7. Embrace love, even for those who slighted you.Getting into the heavy stuff here so I'll keep it short. A lot of people use travel to escape their feelings. For some context, I am at this point in my life now where I am somewhat forced to travel alone. After years of struggle, I cut out everything toxic in my life: friends, relationship, family members, the lot. Whatever your situation, the point is that, similarly to rule number 3, you can find yourself and your travels poisoned by resentment, or hate, or whatever it might be. This doesn't allow you to truly enjoy the situations you find yourself in, and you can find yourself cursing the very existence of that girlfriend who slept with your best mate, or that friend who did nothing but put you down, or your parent who made you feel less than you are. This is not a healthy mindset, yet it is one that we will all, at some point in our lives, find ourselves engaging in. When these thoughts come creeping out of the woodwork, it is important that you combat them. Not push them down or hide from them, but embrace them, feel them, and let them go. Now I'm no therapist, but I found that by repeating "[Insert name of wanker here], I bear you no ill will" again and again when those thoughts did swing by, really helped me to learn to forgive and to release the hate that follows you like a thunderstorm. You've just spent 2 grand on a holiday to The Maldives, you don't need a black cloud blocking your sunshine! Different things will of course work for different people, but give it a shot, and let me know how you find it in the comments below. 8. Learn to put you, your goals and your dreams first.This is similar to rule 6 in that you need to get out and just do what you want to do. However this is more focused around things like responsibilities, family, or work & career. We can often find ourselves 'stuck' with 100 different reasons to stay and stagnate. You've been working towards a promotion and you feel likes it's at the tip of your fingers. You have a pet that just wandered into your house at uni and you've now had her for 3 years. Someone close to you is having a tough time and you feel obligated to look after them. Some sticking points will be more significant than others and of course you should assess each one carefully before just dropping it, but the reason I say we find ourselves 'stuck' with two sarcastic apostrophes, is that you are never, and I repeat, never, stuck anywhere, doing any thing. You always have options. Whatever situation you might find yourself in, if you put yourself, your goals and your dreams first there will always be a route out. It may be a damned difficult route to follow, but with dedication and focus you will make it. To use my examples, travel as a digital nomad and pursue that promotion on the road. If your company doesn't offer remote work (in this day and age!?), find one that does. Bite the bullet and give your pet to a family member. If no one can take them, bring the damn thing with you. If your best mate is going through a breakup and you can't possibly leave their side, wrap that sobbing shell of a person up in a blanket and stuff them in your suitcase. The point here being, you are responsible for your own life. You can always find plenty of reasons to not follow your dreams, but it only takes one to make that dream become reality. I'll even tell you that one reason: You deserve it. Are you sick of your wife? Is your hamster dying of the Palsy? Did you miss out on a promotion because you couldn't pronounce your Boss' name: Caiomhe? (it's 'Qwee Va' btw). Tell me all about it in the comments! 9. Sleep in the middle of your bed and feel Powerful (with a capital P!)Something I found myself doing, especially after breakups or when feeling anxious or insecure, is sleeping specifically on 'my side of the bed'. While it may seem harmless to curl up as close to the edge of the bed as possible, have you noticed this is where we go to when we're upset, or afraid, or lonely? I'm sure we've all sobbed into a packet of salt and vinegar crisps at some point, teetering on the edge of the bed like a poorly set-up round 2 of drunk Jenga. No? Maybe that's just me, but you get the point. The key to this rule is really as it sounds: Sleep in the middle of your bed and feel powerful. Own that space, spread out, get comfortable and lay bang smack in the centre. Not only will this help with things like breakups (a common precursor to feelings of loneliness) by reclaiming that space, but you will find that you sleep better, feel more rested and have the slight feeling that you are in fact a fucking boss. Trust me, it helps. Let me know how this resonates with you in the comments, and you might just win a brand new Chevy Nova! Not really, but drop a comment anyway, thanks luv u. 10. Become comfortably, not desperately lonesome.Now this rule is a bit of a cheap shot. Think of it as a sort of 'Apply all of the other 9 rules to start on your journey to inner peace' type deal. Frankly, 10 rules sounds more whole that 9 and so I thought I'd add this one as a nice way to top it all off.
There are thousands, if not millions, of methods or books or courses that can help with learning to cope on your own. The aforementioned rules are simply a good platform to start you on that journey, a journey that is important for all of us be on at some stage, but especially when you are travelling the world with nothing but yourself and a backpack to keep you company. At times it can be good to be on your own. To take some time for yourself to reflect, to soak in, to be fearless, to feel powerful and ultimately to be comfortably, not desperately, lonesome. All the best, The Lonesome Wanderer P.S. Well done for making it to the end! Thank you for taking the time to read the above post, below you can find some quotes and 3 songs that I thought matched the theme of this post nicely. I look forward to hearing your thoughts in the comments below! Quotes:
2 Comments
Thea
6/24/2022 05:19:27 pm
Keep these posts up bro! Wise words and relatable content 👏
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7/25/2022 04:22:31 am
Great suggestions Ben!
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AboutThe Lonesome Wanderer is a blog dedicated to all things solo travel, including the philosophical and introspective aspects involved with being on the road alone. More Posts
September 2022
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